not so graceful

2003-05-12T11:54:00.000-05:00

it's been a while.

i find myself reluctant to write it all down - not because it's complicated, but because i am lazy.
i am going to try to update my fitness blog more often - that seems to be my major focus these days.

but hopfully soon i'll have something more interesting to say here.

for now, i need to pee.

2003-03-21T17:19:00.000-06:00

so i am going to do it.
starting on sunday i am offically doing the body-for-life 12 week challenge.
stay tuned to my fitness bog for more information.

you know you want to.

2003-03-21T17:17:00.000-06:00

my boss has been out of town the whole week.
i have a brand new eMac and a high speed internet connection.
i have done nothing all week but send e-mail, surf the web, and binge on sugar products.

what a life.

next week will be an entirely different story.
that i can promise for sure.

2003-03-18T15:25:00.000-06:00

i'm not so sure i think this war is a bad idea.

Yeah, I am pro-war at this point. Even though I fear that it might not solve the greater problems that exist (hatred, anger, hunger for power and just plain ‘evil’) – and that our world as we know it is existing on borrowed time. The fears I have about whether “we” will be around in 50 years get stronger every day.

Mostly though, I feel pretty powerless in the face of the giant machines of politics and war. So I do what I can with my own small life, and hope that those I love are happy and safe. Maybe that's not the most noble route - but it is the one I am able to handle.

You know? There are so many awful things that are happening all over the world, including our own backyards, that to concieve of them makes me frozen with terror, consumed with fear, and just plain old prone to burst into tears.

As far as how I feel about George Bush and those around him – I hear conflicting arguments by people with raised voices and heightened senses of righteousness all around me – to me they are just so many voices – in my opinion he is doing the best job he can – a job that I would surely NEVER covet - and one that most of the folks yelling would be miserable failures at.

So.

That’s my 2 cents.

Please read the following excerpt from a speech by Tony Blair.
And here are some other interesting links:

From The Spectator

From the The Washington Post

And another, while oddly humorous, strangely convincing argument. (click the link at the bottom of the page to hear the audio file.)

Phone Call from Mohammed

Excerpt from Tony Blair's Speech - Sunday, Feb. 16, 2003 :

"....There will be no march for the victims of Saddam, no protests about the thousands of children that die needlessly every year under his rule, no righteous anger over the torture chambers which if he is left in power, will be left in being.

I rejoice that we live in a country where peaceful protest is a natural part of our democratic process. But I ask the marchers to understand this: I do not seek unpopularity as a badge of honour. But sometimes it is the price of leadership. And the cost of conviction.

But as you watch your TV pictures of the march, ponder this:

If there are 500,000 on that march, that is still less than the number of people whose deaths Saddam has been responsible for. If there are one million, that is still less than the number of people who died in the wars he started. . .

. . .So if the result of peace is Saddam staying in power, not disarmed, then I tell you there are consequences paid in blood for that decision too. But these victims will never be seen. They will never feature on our TV screens or inspire millions to take to the streets. But they will exist nonetheless.

Ridding the world of Saddam would be an act of humanity. It is leaving him there that is in truth inhumane. . ."

I just can't figure out what else we can do.
Even if Bush is an idiot - which I'm not so sure he really is.
Even if civilians will be killed.

I just don't know.

2003-03-18T14:04:00.000-06:00

i have been revisting the whole 'body for life' thing again.

BODY FOR LIFE

seriously - has anyone SEEN those pictures of the transformations these people make in, like, only 12 weeks? and they are not fake - i know they are not because i have known people personally who have done it and it really does work.

i did try it a year and a half ago, but only ended up getting bulky - which, if i am honest with myself - was probably because i was eating too much. but the more i re-read about it, the more it seems like a good idea to try it again - this time with a little less food.

i am frustrated at the lack of progress that i am seeing at the gym and with the series of injuries and ailments that have sidelined my running career for the time being. it would be nice to have a PLAN to stick to - something that i can obsess about and focus on. some reason to turn down the nutty bars and giant chocolate chip cookies that seem to lurk on every desk in my office, calling to me as i walk by.

and the thing is: it actually makes sense: you eat a balanced diet made up of many smaller meals a day, you work out six days a week and work out HARD, and once every seven days you have the option of eating whatever the hell you want. f

or a whole day. and i mean whatever the HELL you want. the program almost urges you to gorge yourself. how cool is that? 6 days of busting ass with a day where you can commit a bunch of seven of the deadly sins - and it is OKAY! woo-hoo!

and now that my life is much less centralized around drinking and going out to dinner - and i belong to a gym that i am already in the habit of going to. and because i cook and eat most of my meals at home anyway, is would probably not be that hard to maintain it.

and if i lost a bunch of fat and gained a bunch of muscle in the process - that would be cool too. what with summer coming up and all.

hm. we'll see.

(now if only i can convince my boyfriend to do it too.....................)

2003-03-18T13:21:00.000-06:00

my sister is a poet.

Why my mother killed the mice

I pushed him away
insisting, I’ll hurt you.
Across the dingy plastic-top table of the booth in Napoli’s Pizza,
my cold stare
only cooled his cheese-steak.
His hope stood hot,
threatening to tunnel its warmth
underneath my skin.

We stood in silent falling city snow,
Cheek to cheek
Something pleasant for the picture frame.
He held me tighter
And I felt flight flutter in my chest.
A sudden need to run.

I understand now
why my mother ran over
the barely living mice we’d caught
in traps, with our blue minivan.
At ten, I protested, crying
As my mother explained:

They look like mostly undamaged mice,
But they’re dying inside.

I wanted to hurt him quickly
Instead of watching his heart bleed
Slowly, caught in a trap I had laid
And knew he would run into,
Starving.

2003-03-14T14:14:00.000-06:00

wow.

every now and then i read something that just works.
that's so right and true and honest.
this is one of those things:

this is how it happens

2003-02-25T16:28:00.000-06:00

i hurt my foot a few weeks ago while i was running. i had decided to train for a marathon, and at the end of my third long run - only nine miles - it was so painful that i could barely walk for a few days - i sort of hobbled around.

then, about 2 weeks later - after my foot stopped hurting - i tried running again and woke up in the middle of the night with muscle spasms in my lower back that were so painful they made me actually CRY. (and i only cry if someone is watching, so you know that means they hurt like a mother.)

and now i have a new ailment: i haven't been able to sleep lately. or rather, i haven't been able to STAY asleep lately. i'm not sure why exactly - and perhaps it doesn't matter. i could blame it on stress, or the temperature in my apartment, or the fact that my boy and i have different sleeping schedules, and so on.

who knows? that's not my point.

my point is that i suddenly feel old. and fragile. i am hyperaware of how interconnected everything is. and it scares me silly that my body can so easily betray me.

and it has made me think a lot about pain. and how people live through and with agony that i can hardly imagine.

so i'm sort of walking on my tiptoes.

2003-02-12T17:27:00.000-06:00

this day has gone on for a week.
i really need to do something about this job. i am so
bored. bored bored bored.

and hungry.
and tired.

it is amazing how sitting on your ass for 8 hours a
day can wear you out. i need a project - something to
research - some information to unearth. something to
occupy my time.

i guess i could organize all the saved files in the
computer - throw things away - make folders for
others. but - god that sounds unappealing.

i don't know. maybe i need to look for another job? i
don't really want to do that either because then i have
to decide what will i do with my life. and who wants
to do that?

so i daydream.
check my e-mail.
read weblogs.
and so on.

i haven't been able to fall asleep lately.
my mind is running 100 miles and hour and my body
won't relax.

maybe i need to work out harder, longer, more.

that's all for now.

2003-02-12T11:30:00.000-06:00

i've lost five pounds.

15 more to go.

2003-02-07T21:33:00.000-06:00

i'm home alone.

we went out to dinner and then the group of people that i was with went over to one of the guy's houses and i just didn't have it in me. all i want to do these days is be in my pajamas when i'm home.

i think that if i could, i'd go to the gym, work all day and then come home and get in bed. i almost don't even want to eat dinner anymore, except maybe some cereal or toast.

i'm getting ready to start restricting my food intake - i can feel it coming. and that's okay, really - i think i might be able to do it right this time.

i'm tired i guess, and sort of lonely or something. i'm not happy in my job at all and i know i need to start considering what i want to do when i grow up. i found out about an opportunity tonight that might be really cool - but then again i also have lots of other options. i need to be very careful - not to keep moving around from one job to another for the rest of my life.

i also have to try not to depend on a. - to assume that we'll be together and that everything will be ok - we'll be happy, have enough money, i won't have to work, and so on. becuase the reality i that i probably WILL have to work. even if we have kids - ESPECIALLY if we have kids.

i don't know - it all get's sort of overwhelming if i give it too much room - so i push it back one more day and get in my pajamas and go to sleep.

it seems the best thing to do, somehow.

2003-02-03T17:08:00.000-06:00

say it five times fast - i'll bet you 10 bucks you can't do it.

peggy babcock

2003-02-03T16:21:00.000-06:00

so the other night i was in the "office" surfing and a. was watching the tube.

this is the conversation that followed:

a: man!

me: huh?

a: you know what?

me: what?

a: i have absolutely NO doubt in my mind that that bitch has silver dollar pancake nipples.

me: WHAT?

a: i said - i have absolutely NO doubt in my mind that that bitch has silver dollar pancake nipples.

me: who?

a: you know, that bitch from 90210.

me: brenda?

a: no - the one with the big tits.

me: donna?

a: no - the other one.

me: WHICH other one?

a: you know - the slutty one who was on saved by the bell.

at the same time: TIFFANY AMBER THEISSEN!

a: yeah. she's GOT to have huge nipples. i can just tell.

me: ok, whatever.

god i love him.

2003-02-03T15:57:00.000-06:00

too funny:
eBay item 2906588949

from here:

Who Would Buy That? (auction oddities from all over the web)

2003-02-03T10:20:00.000-06:00

i shot a gun for the first time this past weekend.
i also rode a 4-wheeler for the first time.

and i lost my virginity too!
(just kidding)

2003-01-31T22:22:00.000-06:00

when we were growing up our next door neighbor was also our pediatrician.

which was super cool for my parents because any time we got sick 'after hours' or in the middle of the night he was, like, right next door. it was super cool for us too because we never had to go to the doctor's office, except for shots or something that involved nurses.

he was a really nice guy, too, he was italian and he had 8 of his own kids.

anyway, one time my brother stuck a bunch of m&m's up his nose. and i mean - he stuck them WAY up there. so my mom was making him blow his nose and trying to get him to sneeze and nothing was working - those things were so deep in his nasal cavity.

and he was crying and whining because it hurt, you know, as having something wedged in your cranium is prone to do.

so we called dr. runco (that's his name) and he came on over to the house in his house slippers and robe. he brought his black doctor's bag with him, like he always did.

(incidentally, i loved that bag. it was worn black leather and had neatly organized pockets inside that were filled with all sorts of cool equipment and supplies. i tried to peek inside it - to see what cool stuff was in there - maybe i'd see a big needle or something. i never did, of course, i'm sure it just had band-aids and other medical minutae, but i still dug it.)

so he got his light out - the one he used to look in our ears and in the back of our throats and he shone it up my whimpering brother's nose for a few minutes, while my mother hovered anxiously nearby.

finally he switched off the light, turned to my mom and said "were they plain or peanut?"

"plain", she said.

"well, then. let them melt".

and he zipped up his bag and went home for dinner.

my brother had chocolate snot for like two days afterwards, the damn kid had a chapped upper lip from all the licking.

2003-01-31T13:46:00.000-06:00

true story:

a girl is walking through the streets of boston on her way to work one fine spring morning. she comes to an intersection and stops at the corner to wait for the light to change so she can cross.

next to her, a schoolbus pulls up, full of children on the way to school. she looks up at the school bus windows, smiles, and looks away, perhaps remembering her own childhood.

a voice calls out: "hey!"

she turns back towards the bus, where there are now faces filling the half open windows.

"hey, you!" one small mouth says.

she smiles expectantly.

"you're a WHORE!"

the smile is frozen. did she hear that correctly?

suddenly the children erupt, all of them chanting "WHORE! WHORE! WHORE! WHORE! WHORE! WHORE! WHORE! WHORE! WHORE! WHORE!........."

the light changes. the bus pulls into traffic. and the girl just stands there, unsure of what just happened.

2003-01-29T16:30:00.000-06:00

two things you need to know to understand this story:

number one: i was a bad child. not really bad, but pretty rebellious and smart-alecky, always getting in trouble for stupid stuff.

number two: my father has huge feet - size 14 to be exact - and you know what they say about guys with big feet. big shoes, of course! (you perverts.)

anyway - he had really big shoes, which was a great thing when i was like 9 because they provided endless hours of amusement when my brother (he was 7) and i put them on and traipsed around the house, frequently stepping out of them if we moved too fast or lifted our feet too high.

he had this one pair of suede slip on loafer-type shoes that he really liked. they were sort of a grayish blue color and he would always sing 'blue suede shoes' whenever he wore them.

we had strict orders to NOT wear those particular shoes when we played dress-up. any of the others - the running shoes, the hiking boots, the sandals, etc. - were fair game. but NOT the blue suede shoes.

one fine sunny spring afternoon my brother and i decided to take our playing outside, as there was something extra fun about wearing his shoes in the grass - we could fall out of them more dramatically or something.

this particular day i had on some running shoes, and my normally sedate and well-mannered brother had on THE shoes - he was feeling feisty i suppose. and not only was he wearing THE shoes, he thought it would be funny if he picked up the garden hose and squirted me with it.

well needless to say, the hose leaked. THE shoes got wet - and you know what happens to suede when it gets wet. so we did what any normal father-fearing children would do - we ran inside and shoved those shoes as far back in my dad's closet as we could.

well, sad to say, he found them, saw the spots, and promptly spanked me. yes - he spanked ME! and the whole time i kept saying "i didn't do it! it was josh! i didn't do it!"

my chicken-shit brother never said a word until almost 20 years later. but by then it was too late.

2003-01-28T17:09:00.000-06:00

i'm never eating again.

2003-01-27T19:19:00.000-06:00

today has been pretty sucky.
my foot hurts. i ate too much junk. i feel tired and sad still.
i'm worried about s. and p. (not the 500, my peeps) and so i think i'll get in bed.

2003-01-27T19:18:00.000-06:00

i think it is really funny when you think you have to take a huge poop so you go sit on the toilet but it turns out that you just have a little poop in there with a whole lot of air behind it and it just fires out of your butt like a damn missile.

that makes me laugh out loud.

hopefully no one heard me.

2003-01-24T17:35:00.000-06:00

the mirror project

this is really cool.
i love mirrors.

in my apartment i have nine.
and a mercury glass lamp that is pretty much a mirror.

i WILL be part of this project.

2003-01-24T16:46:00.000-06:00

i think a funny skit on saturday night live would be 'innappropriate erection man'.

just think of the possibilities.

2003-01-24T11:33:00.000-06:00

i feel sick.
dizzy, stuffy, tired.

i also feel sad.
that kind of nebulous sad that serves no purpose and has no specific cause or cure.
this makes me feel like going home and getting in my bed and sleeping for three days.

is this because i didn't run this morning?
or because i fear that i will have to run alone tomorrow morning?
or because i am a piteous fool?

sigh.

2003-01-24T10:35:00.000-06:00

About being apart

Each bend and curve outline an emptiness
of where the other is not.
Like the blotches of ink on a Roscharch test,
the space in between us counts.
If I lay on my left side, towards my windows as I sleep,
I imagine you, far away, are sleeping on your back,
breathing soft and even.

Half-asleep, I peer at the one pillow, always empty
the hollow indent waiting for you.
Perhaps, as you lay on your side,
you imagine the space between my hip and rib,
where you would rest your arm, your hand, your chest
curling up and around me -
all one fluid moment in the sigh before sleep.
Wetting my lips, eyes closing
I'm longing to lose my tongue
on your wrists
on your collarbone

I wake one day, and find you there,
My eyes stay open only to breathe you in,
and they will close again when I exhale,
you inhaling the space between.
There was never a more precious, warm place
then the slight rise of the sheet between the two of us.
Never was there more comfort in silence,
than in the silence when we lay side by side,
gradual scholars of the others landscape.

2003-01-23T16:39:00.000-06:00

my sister wrote this about me and a. after she met him the first time.....

Watching the two of you laying on the pavement,
bathed in moonlight
pointing out constellations,
I feel my space in your mind being pushed
behind your thoughts for him.
His eyes,
his lilting rich voice
hold steady bubbles in your head.
He is a shadow of something familiar,
has engrained in him
movements that I? already know.
He fits with you.
Your bodies, both bent and glued
compliment one another.
As you lean into him,
tangling fingers,
there is a glow of softness
in the darkness
enveloping the two of you.
The night air is warm
the skies are clear.
a milk-filled globe,
rubbery and spongy
slowly pours out? its light,
dousing us,
in its bath.
But my skin cannot absorb its beauty.
I am busy watching you and he,
being filled
with the silky wonder of night.

2003-01-23T14:25:00.000-06:00

boys and compliments
why they matter i don't know.

three of the best compliments i have ever gotten:

one) from a male friend of mine who always loved me from afar - he knew i knew and we left it at that. i hadn't seen him in several months and i saw him at a bar - it was crowded, a saturday night, and when i saw him across the room i broke out in a huge smile. later he came over and said: "you know what? every time i see you i remember how radiant you are."

two) from the much younger guy that i dated on and off for a year and a half - who was probably the BEST boyfriend i'll ever have - if not the one i loved the most simply because he was so completely amazed that i loved him back (that sounds egotistical but it really isn't - he was smitten) we were at a local brew house on the patio and i went to the bathroom and when i came back and sat down i looked over at him and he was staring at me in the most unusual way and i said "WHAT?" and he said "you are so fucking HOT!"

three) from a. (my current and hopefully final love) who told me once after i had made some particularly rude and crass remark said: "you're funny. most girls aren't funny. well. they THINK they are and they tell you these terrible stories that have no point and then laugh at the end. but you - you're actually funny!"

2003-01-22T17:03:00.000-06:00

the worst part about my job is the constant barrage of treats and sweets that one of the editors brings in every day.

i guess he had a massive heart attack on the floor of a nearby eating establishment several years ago and died a few times on the way to the hospital.

and somehow his sense of gratitude for his life has prompted him to (spend what must be hundreds of dollars at walmart and sam's club on candy and cookies and the like to) feed snacks to the entire newsroom staff every afternoon.

and you know it makes it really hard to stick to your diet when the sweet old guy that died offers you a ho-ho.

i mean i think he might cry if i ever said no.
or die all over again or something.

2003-01-22T13:16:00.000-06:00

on the bulletin board downstairs there is an invitation to a housewarming party for someone in the business department.

and then underneath it has a list of stuff that they need for their new home.

this strikes me as beyond tacky. i thought when you get married it is the only time you get to ask for specific gifts ?

luckily - i don't know her. nor do i care. so i won't worry about it too much.

2003-01-22T09:42:00.000-06:00

i have decided to try to do this:

little rock marathon

wish me luck!

2003-01-22T09:41:00.000-06:00

it wasn't about attention for me - it was only one
artist and she wasn't interested in me in 'that way'
so i wasn't trying to be sexy.

it was more about being stark naked and exposed in a
nonsexual situation. and having someone look at me as
an object - not anna - just a human form.

my being naked is always totally stressful
because i am so worried about if i look good enough or
thin enough or whatever enough. it is very hard for me
to just prance about naked most of the time.
but when she was drawing me - i was somehow freed of
all my self conciousness. i could just stand there and
be naked.

it was like skinny dipping in the dark or
something.

2003-01-21T21:35:00.000-06:00

it's bedtime again - it always comes faster than i think it will.

2003-01-02T16:40:00.000-06:00

first post.

i need to relax my eyelids. i always look frightened.