2.25.2003

i hurt my foot a few weeks ago while i was running. i had decided to train for a marathon, and at the end of my third long run - only nine miles - it was so painful that i could barely walk for a few days - i sort of hobbled around.

then, about 2 weeks later - after my foot stopped hurting - i tried running again and woke up in the middle of the night with muscle spasms in my lower back that were so painful they made me actually CRY. (and i only cry if someone is watching, so you know that means they hurt like a mother.)

and now i have a new ailment: i haven't been able to sleep lately. or rather, i haven't been able to STAY asleep lately. i'm not sure why exactly - and perhaps it doesn't matter. i could blame it on stress, or the temperature in my apartment, or the fact that my boy and i have different sleeping schedules, and so on.

who knows? that's not my point.

my point is that i suddenly feel old. and fragile. i am hyperaware of how interconnected everything is. and it scares me silly that my body can so easily betray me.

and it has made me think a lot about pain. and how people live through and with agony that i can hardly imagine.

so i'm sort of walking on my tiptoes.