1.24.2003

the mirror project

this is really cool.
i love mirrors.

in my apartment i have nine.
and a mercury glass lamp that is pretty much a mirror.

i WILL be part of this project.
i think a funny skit on saturday night live would be 'innappropriate erection man'.

just think of the possibilities.
i feel sick.
dizzy, stuffy, tired.

i also feel sad.
that kind of nebulous sad that serves no purpose and has no specific cause or cure.
this makes me feel like going home and getting in my bed and sleeping for three days.

is this because i didn't run this morning?
or because i fear that i will have to run alone tomorrow morning?
or because i am a piteous fool?

sigh.
About being apart

Each bend and curve outline an emptiness
of where the other is not.
Like the blotches of ink on a Roscharch test,
the space in between us counts.
If I lay on my left side, towards my windows as I sleep,
I imagine you, far away, are sleeping on your back,
breathing soft and even.

Half-asleep, I peer at the one pillow, always empty
the hollow indent waiting for you.
Perhaps, as you lay on your side,
you imagine the space between my hip and rib,
where you would rest your arm, your hand, your chest
curling up and around me -
all one fluid moment in the sigh before sleep.
Wetting my lips, eyes closing
I'm longing to lose my tongue
on your wrists
on your collarbone

I wake one day, and find you there,
My eyes stay open only to breathe you in,
and they will close again when I exhale,
you inhaling the space between.
There was never a more precious, warm place
then the slight rise of the sheet between the two of us.
Never was there more comfort in silence,
than in the silence when we lay side by side,
gradual scholars of the others landscape.

1.23.2003

my sister wrote this about me and a. after she met him the first time.....

Watching the two of you laying on the pavement,
bathed in moonlight
pointing out constellations,
I feel my space in your mind being pushed
behind your thoughts for him.
His eyes,
his lilting rich voice
hold steady bubbles in your head.
He is a shadow of something familiar,
has engrained in him
movements that I? already know.
He fits with you.
Your bodies, both bent and glued
compliment one another.
As you lean into him,
tangling fingers,
there is a glow of softness
in the darkness
enveloping the two of you.
The night air is warm
the skies are clear.
a milk-filled globe,
rubbery and spongy
slowly pours out? its light,
dousing us,
in its bath.
But my skin cannot absorb its beauty.
I am busy watching you and he,
being filled
with the silky wonder of night.
boys and compliments
why they matter i don't know.

three of the best compliments i have ever gotten:

one) from a male friend of mine who always loved me from afar - he knew i knew and we left it at that. i hadn't seen him in several months and i saw him at a bar - it was crowded, a saturday night, and when i saw him across the room i broke out in a huge smile. later he came over and said: "you know what? every time i see you i remember how radiant you are."

two) from the much younger guy that i dated on and off for a year and a half - who was probably the BEST boyfriend i'll ever have - if not the one i loved the most simply because he was so completely amazed that i loved him back (that sounds egotistical but it really isn't - he was smitten) we were at a local brew house on the patio and i went to the bathroom and when i came back and sat down i looked over at him and he was staring at me in the most unusual way and i said "WHAT?" and he said "you are so fucking HOT!"

three) from a. (my current and hopefully final love) who told me once after i had made some particularly rude and crass remark said: "you're funny. most girls aren't funny. well. they THINK they are and they tell you these terrible stories that have no point and then laugh at the end. but you - you're actually funny!"

1.22.2003

the worst part about my job is the constant barrage of treats and sweets that one of the editors brings in every day.

i guess he had a massive heart attack on the floor of a nearby eating establishment several years ago and died a few times on the way to the hospital.

and somehow his sense of gratitude for his life has prompted him to (spend what must be hundreds of dollars at walmart and sam's club on candy and cookies and the like to) feed snacks to the entire newsroom staff every afternoon.

and you know it makes it really hard to stick to your diet when the sweet old guy that died offers you a ho-ho.

i mean i think he might cry if i ever said no.
or die all over again or something.

on the bulletin board downstairs there is an invitation to a housewarming party for someone in the business department.

and then underneath it has a list of stuff that they need for their new home.

this strikes me as beyond tacky. i thought when you get married it is the only time you get to ask for specific gifts ?

luckily - i don't know her. nor do i care. so i won't worry about it too much.
i have decided to try to do this:

little rock marathon

wish me luck!
it wasn't about attention for me - it was only one
artist and she wasn't interested in me in 'that way'
so i wasn't trying to be sexy.

it was more about being stark naked and exposed in a
nonsexual situation. and having someone look at me as
an object - not anna - just a human form.

my being naked is always totally stressful
because i am so worried about if i look good enough or
thin enough or whatever enough. it is very hard for me
to just prance about naked most of the time.
but when she was drawing me - i was somehow freed of
all my self conciousness. i could just stand there and
be naked.

it was like skinny dipping in the dark or
something.

1.21.2003

it's bedtime again - it always comes faster than i think it will.